Ber Months Are Here

"Self-Conviction"

The sound of your SSSS
Leaves a long trail of emotions
In my mind adroitly slithers
Setting my heart in commotion.

Should there be time in store
Or less time for togetherness
I don't care for grief anymore
When every morning you bless.

This love is real that it weathers
The edges of doubt and passion
As days come we promise better
As days go we learn self-conviction.

Self-conviction strikes to the core of our being...

See original post here https://www.facebook.com/doris.cornago

Ber Months Are Here

"Irony"

Can you imagine the irony of me
Running after you and the struggle
To get upper hand in the scuffle
You give in most just for the record 

Funny you and me encountering
In this barren emotionless cyberspace
Laughing with derision at my inconsistency
Loving one moment and hating the next

Coda
Sometimes you confuse me, sometimes dazzle me
Making me mad, alternating with sad or glad
If you ask me this is rather silly
But I can see the irony - you belong with me...

Imagine your dreadful emotionless world
Not a Greek, but a geek, when I am hoping
For one as turbulent, I encounter a geek
A genius with no mind for turbulence

Tell me what's happening, you do the calculating
I like traipsing, singing, going my merry way
But you said halt, look, there's a sign in the road
Which says don't, beware, but free, go anywhere

Coda
Sometimes you confuse me, sometimes dazzle me
Making me mad, alternating with sad or glad
If you ask me this is rather silly
But I can see the irony - you belong with me...

You're the geek, but I am a dreamer
Who can know if our canoe goes adrift
Who will be swimming, who will be drowning
Neither you nor I, because that's a breather

I like being with you than any other
Because you make me run breathless
Making me know there's nothing more important
Than living for the moment, time well spent

Coda
Sometimes you confuse me, sometimes dazzle me
Making me mad, alternating with sad or glad
If you ask me this is rather silly
But I can see the irony - you belong with me...

(Inspired by the song "You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift and as played by Sungha Jung. In admiration of geeks and non-Greeks everywhere. See original post here: https://www.facebook.com/doris.cornago)

 See song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8VJnaiB6xI

A Ten Year Old Boy & Eternity

Up at 4am, I thought I would see if you are up, but there were chores to be done. Mom was crying in her room for dad - I could hear her. Back at this corner at 8am, I could "see" that you have fallen asleep, waiting. Reminiscing, I recounted a day late in April when we started "talking" again...

Me: How r things? Getting better?
You: Yes, they are! Clouds are clearing. Yet, not all clear, but I think soon. Maybe by this month's end I will  be more cloud-free...
Me: But no chance of ever meeting?
You: Once cloud is free, I will have a discussion with you about few business things. Then let's see. I will talk to you myself then...
Me: I can wait. I've waited this long haven't I?
You: You have.For long. Life just has its unexpected turns. And it had its turn towards me this time. But it's all for good.
Me: Just tell me when you want me.
You: Will
Me: I am cancelling my Singapore pass.
You: Why?
Me: I will not go to that country again. I was hurt too much.

This bright morning, I was thinking of you when the truth hit me and so, I wrote this poem. 

Twelve Apostles in Melbourne, Australia

"Prophecy"

A ten year old boy
Plays on the beach
Watching the waves roll in
He laughs when the waves
Splash on the rocks and
Wet his waiting face
He runs as the waves
Roll out again…
He never tires this little boy
His beaming face reflects the
Awesomeness of freedom -
The vast sea his playground
The open sky his audience
All around the expectancy
Of life awaiting fullness
The waves fetching his dreams
Rolling in and out
Unto eternity as ordained
By a magnanimous God….

What this means? Just this: we both have no reason to complain about our circumstances as God had already commanded all to serve our pleasure, as it is also to His pleasure that we undergo the circumstances of His magnanimity. We may not understand why or how, but our role is to trust that God is at work. As you have told me many times, if we find our circumstances deplorable, the reason is that we are not looking through the eyes of love - God's thoughts are higher than our thoughts!

Just wanted to tell you this, too: I could bear the interminable waiting but not the deafening silence...

How Much A Friendship Costs

Friendships should always be based on honesty. By this principle, I have so endeavored to maintain friendships on an even keel. Let us take the case of an FB enthusiast. He started commenting on my posts and so, I also commented on his. Somehow our friendship blossomed until I got him interested in "writing-for-pay". I thought that sharing a profitable pastime will cement our friendship further. I had to tell him of publishing costs which became fuel for a heated exchange of words:

"Please read and tell me how you feel. I am sorry that I have to add some inaccurate data to get his sympathy for you. So, actually, any token amount will be acceptable to him. So, whatever you can give, I will double so that our work will be sure to get published. I am the first author whom he did not ask for the regular $4000 fee to be published in my own name.

Publication online entails big costs and he told me so. It's a complicated machinery invented by amazon.com which enables a book to shoot up the bestseller mark by free downloads and right placement of ads in so many websites.In the short span of time (3 months) it took to publish my book up the bestseller chart - to be a "bestseller" is to be searchable by Google.

As there are probably millions of books of the similar genre and title, your book may just be buried even before it is "born". My boss does not keep the "fee" but gives it to keep me floating up the charts of known authors. This is not a guarantee of sales either. there are reviews that must be done by respected reviewers of amazon who rates your book as it pleases them.

So, it is a writers' jungle out there, and somebody stage manipulates the chart until my boss found a way to beat everybody at their game. He is a genius at tweaking apps. He never taught me this though, one of the tricks of his trade as publisher. The only advice he gave me was have faith in what he is doing for me. I can see the results as far as fans and pundits hit me on a daily dose.

So, there. I like to be perfectly honest. That should not affect our work at this point. If you do not want to publish at amazon.com, you can choose from a variety of publishers out there, but choose those without exclusivity clauses as you will restrict my share of the book. My suggestion is, try for the least amount of token but go for amazon.com as it is the most popular and most prolific of all book outlets as far as ebooks are concerned.

I hope we are still good. Just tell me what you think. I'm a big girl and you are a gentleman. I can ignore some uncalled for remarks and move on, if need be. Sleep over it and after that, we can work again or cease."

The rains have come. There's no way this weather can dispel the coldness and the gloom from settling in. Perhaps, if he calls and apologizes long distance? Then again, there is Skype and he is not even taking that free means to get to me. It was so wrong to assume he will trust me at this early part of our friendship, but then again, if he asks and I have to tell him - won't the effect be the same?

How does it happen that when you want to make a clean breast of a matter, you only succeed in making everything murky as muddy water, obliterating all good perceptions of a person? Words said can never be taken back and hurt feelings, though attempted to smooth over, can remain aching for days, even months. How do you mend a broken heart? How do you stop the rain from falling down? Or, how much does a friendship cost? There are events best left to their own denouement.

Why A Cat Has Nine Lives & A Dog Has Only One

PP:

"How are you doing? Just want you to know I've been keeping my distance so you can focus on your spiritual quest. Also, I've been busy with family matters, which is resolved now. Soon, I'll have more time to get on with commitments. Priority of course is the book that we are working on. So, I see you sometime in July for comments on the book, is this right? Another matter, is the PubStar file ready for sending thru Skype? If not, no problem. Your inputs are more important. Miss you a lot. But life goes on....

This morning, I saw a stray dog die but it was a happy death because somebody came to give him a home, as he had wished to die in the care of somebody who "loves" him. Some dogs are not so lucky. In fact, some people are not so lucky. A person may be in the care of somebody, but he may not feel as wanted as this stray dog had been during his last hours. I once had the privilege of taking care of a dying person, as his close relatives were too engrossed with their own personal problems. I think that I made this man happy.

Life is short, my friend. I have seen it go, right to the very last breath. I tried to extend this man's life through my pleadings with God, remonstrances, promises, but no - the timetable has been set. All evidences of this man's  virility - his thick curly hair, his broad chest and brawny arms, his thick eyebrows and deepset eyes that seem to glow darker with increasing passion - became meaningless as soon as life was snuffed out of him. Even when I touched his still warm hand, I felt him detached and distant. He was no longer there.

Twenty seven days ago, this man and I were both just having a hamburger at a famous fastfood joint. He was laughing at a joke I shared. He had an unbearable bellyache that night and his other friend rushed him to the hospital. At first, the diagnosis was appendicitis, but they found lymphoma after a series of tests.The sound of his hoarse laughter seemed to fill that hospital ward, and the nurses looked at me in surprise. Yes, it was I who had laughed hysterically, in disbelief that I will soon be left alone. 

Buddies & Inseparable

This departed friend and I were buddies, and inseparable for almost two years. A cat has nine lives but a dog has only one, I did not know this before. I want to believe this and so you must. There were instances that I felt invincible and most powerful. I can see through walls and project outcomes. That was when you believed in me. But some people came in - five of them - and gave you "expert" advice. They have cut through the cord which binds us. I will give you one of mine if ever you need it again...but you are drifting away..."

Why The Moon Weeps Occasionally

PP:

I was there as you went to sleep. If I told you I was watching, you would have stayed awake. Can we sit together as you were suggesting? We can -  both of us are game addicts.We will play games till kingdom come; so, how can we ever get some work done? We are incorrigible, setting our own rules, going our own way. Won't gods send lightning where we are to make us know we are mortals and must obey some authority? I feel deeply for you, but it will not hit you so hard as it will hit me. I value your life & will want you to stay safe. Please come when you can, and I guarantee that you can leave when you want. 

CDO is safe for you but Zamboanga is not, and so, I chose to stay in CDO while my daughter goes farther South. It is part of her job, but no longer my inclination. If I was not writing your book, I would have gone just for the experience. I was angry before, but now, my anger is going away. On the other hand, if I go where you are, I may not be able to come back. Is this something you can handle? If you marry soon, I will be an irksome presence. You will always explain me away. Can you always hide me? I do not wish to add to your heart aches, but you will add to mine if ever I try to comfort you by my presence.  I am content with only the voice. One thing, you said I talk too slow for you. Don't you think that I talk slow so you can catch up? 

Just try one call & speak to me.I will not ask you questions.You can ask me questions or just tell me something you prepared or anything that comes to your mind. I will risk to be hurt just so I will hear your voice again. I have Chap 4 but still polishing it up. Hoping to get Chap 5 ready too before I pack up. I am more excited with this book than being in CDO.  I really hope you can give me the inputs I need. Please do what you need done before you call me to Skype. Time passes quickly when we are together. So, maybe, to get work done, we should stay apart? This is so sad but that's all we can have. :( 

 I should say I am content with just the voice but you can't even give me that. So, how can I believe you can give me more? I am giving what I can with the time that I have, knowing circumstances can change anytime. I wish you happiness and freedom, but above all, wisdom to choose between the two.  Believe that I will be able to reach you even from great distances. It is my choice and no one and nothing will make me give that up. If you are going ahead, can you give me at least this promise?

Still long and slow emails. Sorry. I am starting to pack now while mom sleeps. Wish me well and that I survive whatever....

Ally McBeal and Surreal Dramedy

Ally McBeal is an American legal sitcom comedy-drama television series, originally aired on Fox from September 8, 1997 to May 20, 2002. Created by David E. Kelley, the series stars Calista Flockhart in the title role as a young lawyer working in the fictional Boston law firm Cage and Fish, with other young lawyers whose lives and loves were eccentric, humorous and dramatic. The series placed #48 on Entertainment Weekly's "New TV Classics" list. Well, what about it then? Sitting in front of my laptop, I have been thinking of my carefree life before, watching this series every night and habitually daydreaming.


Real life often imitates art, or vice versa - your perception  all depends on the side from where you are looking. There was a morning I woke up thinking am I in my dream? Or am I in a reality wishing I am living in a dream? Weaving in and out of realities is a skill of writers comparable to somnambulism (Somnabulism, also called: noctambulism a condition that is characterized by walking while asleep or in a hypnotic trance). Thus, I am able to relate to Ally McBeal, a sort of alter-ego, who survives emotional turmoils by pretending they were only part of a dreamworld she can escape by waking up. Is there any profit in doing this?

Images On A Mirror 

There are times when you cannot handle harsh realities, and so, you prefer sleeping. Why not? In dreams, you inhabit another life where you can control circumstances.You can transform your secret wishes and fantasies into daydreams where you are at your best, most skillful, and not intimidated by anyone.Sometimes, these daydreams inspire you, but to be truthful about it, daydreams may contribute to your lack of interest in transforming realities. There are bills to be paid, and you need real currency to meet financial commitments. Real currency comes from real work, something that needs to be sent out as documents to real people.


Enterprising individuals have actually made a million dollar business out of customizing dreams to fit your "most secret wishes". Hypnotherapy is only one of the few tools used to "make your wishes come true". Books are also a powerful tool of catering to secret wishes - and making them "come true"! Readers or viewers identify with one of the characters of a favorite novel, movie, or a television series - and so they become as humorous, popular, powerful and successful. No matter how far out of touch with reality, a story line finds "believers" because it serves the purpose of self-satisfaction. So, what's the purpose of knowing?


Imagination and creativity are skills cultivated with practice. Both feed on past and current experiences of real life. Life is a drama, a comedy or a dramedy - depending on your perception and presentation, which in turn make use of imagination and creativity. My advice to you out there, if you would care to take it: Live life, learn from it all you can, and if you are so inclined, make a living by sharing what you have learned. Don't lose the privilege of being hurt, being sad, being alternatively happy and sad, being alternatively hurt and healed - such circumstances are all part of being human. The element of surprise makes life an adventure.


So there, all that explains how a writer is born. Just message me for more tips on good writing.

Riding the Waves And Tasting the Saltiness of the Sea

"Do you remember saying at one point that you wish for us to be together? At the same time you said, why should we be together? What were you thinking or were you just "emoting" being carried by generosity, as you think perhaps I am being generous to you? My time, my thoughts, my attention, my risks, everything that I am -- are you worthy of these according to your estimate?

I do recall I was the one who offered to do the book on rings as sort of a KAMI part 2, but agreement to it was your part and responsibility, for completion is both our part. Do you think you are having a fair exchange? Your time for my time, etc.? Like you, I do not like to overthink or stretch anything beyond reasonable proportions. I need you for my own reasons; you need me for your own reasons - and so we will continue this way until I give you the rings book. 

Midnight in Singapore

How long do you think we can sustain "friendly"  relations or how long do you think we have before we get on each others nerves again? I can go faster or slower according to your estimate of this. I do not like to write a book with someone I hate.Your story is very simple, but what happens in between is very complex. You are very raw emotionally, although maybe advanced intellectually. Do you believe this? Why or why not? Even God the Almighty spends precious time to reason with us; he says "Come let us reason together". Why do you think He lets catastrophes to happen when He can prevent them from happening? I know you have the answer to this.

I hope all the above sets the record straight.You are my boss now because I let you be. Means? Interact with me. Say more than hard data or one word answers. Tell me what pain feels? What aches? How does the sand feel? What color is your sun? Does it blind you when you look at it? Does it have rings? How do you walk over the sand? Barefoot? Do you see anything as you walk?" 

Sometimes the sea is more salty when you are in your bed and musing about a failed relationship. The saltiness makes you cry yourself to sleep....A writer is lost without an inspiration...

Up, Up and Away to Cagayan de Oro

The plane trip to CDO was more eventful because of the changing forms of the clouds. It never occurred to me that a plane trip is critical because of the possibility of a plane crash. Up there, what mattered most to me was what I plan to do soon as we get to the hotel. The crowd that milled around the baggage carousel was the motley kind - locals mixed freely with returning expats. Nobody minded anybody - everyone seemed preoccupied.

I am now like a flotsam in the sea, being tossed to and fro by events which happened, and will continue to happen in the future. Everything must be written down so I will remember the ignominy, and the needling pain - before I entirely forget. Before this thing happened, I was bubbly and forward looking. I cannot understand how a relationship that seemed so right suddenly go so wrong.

I messaged him soon as we landed at Cagayan de Oro (CDO):

"Hey. I'm now at Marco Hotel at CDO. Wish you are here. Soon going out for lunch. Be looking forward to hear from you. The Internet here is strong, I think. Please go through Ch 4 & 5 before I go on with more. Will ping you when back from lunch. Bi.Keep away from sudden tow of waves.S."

I decided to insert a momentary inspiration in the book and sent him a whole chapter with some questions.

" In a metric of love and hate, you are somewhere away from the middle point, travelling towards one end-- but what which? Don't worry, I love writing, and I am not ambivalent about it-- actually at the extreme end of loving it to death.
If you cease to excite me, or if you bore me, I will be the first one to terminate this madness. Your honesty is what fascinates me, even your brutal honesty is quite charming. Lose that by lying to me -- I will shred you like paper."

His answers were typical of what he is - brutally honest. He messaged back:

"You know me. I don't need to answer any of these. And I am who I am. I might bore you or excite you, it really is NOT about me, but it's about how you perceive me. Gandhi might be boring to me, but exciting to you. God might be believable to me, but unbelievable to others. It's not the mistake of God or Gandhi, but our perceptions. So, work on your perception if you feel I am boring.

Universe is a Clay. Mind is the Tool. Get to work - shape the universe the way you want. Shape your life the way you want - just make an awesome living out of it. Stand as a beacon of life-creator. It's not God, it's you. God has embossed these powers over us, trusting us to be wise to use it the right way, and let's show the gratitude to God by using it for the betterment of mankind and ourselves."

I would like you to know...

"Thank you for the encouragement. Sometimes, I need to re-read your messages to see the real meanings."

A Moonless Night...But I'm Still Blue...

PP wrote:

"Hmm. Mess even today. Now waiting for his call to explain to me and my friend why he failed today and a new story for that, then reschedule for tomorrow or day after. My friend will be here till Saturday, if we get the docs, only then we have lot to do. Need to get sign from his wife in 2 docs too, that's another worry and then go to bank and get transaction done, which is the big trouble of all."

To which I answered:

"Go on with all the big trouble. At least there is something to go on. I'm waiting and holding everything for the scoop. I will add my patience to yours. Just eat and sleep in the interval. You will need both." - Doray
PS. This is life's tournament - you are flesh and blood, and not an immortal dragon with many lives.

I am thinking back on those last moments before I left Singapore. I miss the hustle and bustle of that miniature city, where everyone mind their own businesses. I can wear a dress to the train, take a ride standing up and nobody stares. It's truly wonderful not to be stared at. Lately, I bought a few dresses just to relive the feeling of independence. But I truly miss him because he is a part of my independence. He freed me of my inconsistencies and fears. ***

Why Moonlit Night in Antipolo Makes Me Blue...

PP:

"There was a stranger who came and got into the heated pool same time as we did. He was a French poet. I don't understand French -- only Spanish -- but he tried his best to translate his poems. It was an effort but he made it seem pleasant.I am not bored, just trying to understand my feelings. Why am I here trying to think of a person who is 18 hours distant by plane while a proximate person does not give me the same excitement?

Your forgetfulness does not help me.I'm really sorry if we got into a cross current last night. You can really be a bad boy when you want to be. Nothing new. You have explained to me why and I am satisfied.The story is taking a confusing turn because I am being double minded between disclosure and secrecy.I have taken out the term Fx in all its variations and resumed the use of term "resource".We can finish the book in 2 days if you can decide whether success or failure of getting the resource-- or just leave the ending hanging."

I should have told you this:

 "I can never finish the book without you by my side. If you choose to disappear, then I will just let everything go hang...It's not as if I will turn my back on writing for other clients. There are commitments which I must continue, but it will not be the same writing without you to lighten my day...Heights usually scare me, but looking down the simulated mountain at Gardens by the Bay did not cause a single tremor from agoraphobia."

Night after night, thinking where have the stars gone?